Saturday, February 11, 2012

The 2nd Anonymous Theatre 3000 Awards (Part III)

OK. Now for the worst. Of all the reviews I usually read online, often films that are poorly received get my attention. Not because of how bad the film was, but because reviewers often get hysterical during the reviews. It's a mixture of anger and mania, but has a humourous flavour. Then again, they have to succumb the horrors of cinema. In that case, there are special categories for this film. So far, I only did two, but think about them as the Lifetime Achievement Awards. So if you haven't read, here there are:

Biggest Impact on Western Civilisation... for Better or Worst
Joss Whedon award for Fanbase of the year

Now in this Part, I am not going to do a Worst Director, Worst Actor category since it is pretty generic to do so. But once you scroll down, you'll know what are the worst movies to come out this year, given how it is a pretty mediocre year for film and comparing to the last few years it's pretty low.

Biggest Box-Office Drainer - The Lion King - 3D
Alright before you go grab your pitchforks, let me reiterate. Everybody loves The Lion King. Every girl at my school called it their favourite movie of all time. Even I did, though I didn't loved it like everyone else. But to release this movie in theatres like 1994 through post-converted 3D and thrashing adult fare like Moneyball, Contagion and Drive (which never made a lot of money) is just sad. This might be the first time I saw the entire movie in that format. I liked it, but I asked in my head with anger: WHAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT?" about putting it back in theatres with a gimmick that should've just gone away. It's here to stay at number one for three weeks in the US.

Guys, you can either do two things: wait in ten years for the movie to come out with a new gimmick from Hollywood. Or you could just buy it on Blu-Ray so you can watch it forever. Gimmick or package guys. Please choose.

Super Bowl award for Crass Product Placement - The Smurfs
Congratulations, Sony. You've just made the highest rate of referencing an Internet brand in a single movie. That's a record. *hold my thumbs up

Most charmless character with a possible personality disorder - Alan (The Hangover Part II)
Next time, if you don't want another hangover, don't bring this guy with you.

Worst Makeup - Villain with a giant Testicle for a head (Green Lantern)
That pimple may pop out at any second, sir.

Biggest Hack in Cinema - Adam Sandler

Stab! Stab! Stab! award for throat-raping film: The Human Centipede II
The cinematic equivalent of the Holocaust, even when you see it, you'll still experience it.

Most oversaturated trend in movies - Sequels and reboots.
Here's something original - how about some guy trapped underwater in a treasure chest for 90 minutes. Wouldn't pass the logic test, but still... oh, wait. That was Buried

Stupidest exploitation flick - Sucker Punch
Here's a movie that has an idea of what it wants to be yet failed in so many levels. It's supposed to be a geek-ploitation movie (although I kinda made up that genre), one that exposes more about our inner geek. I'm proud to be a geek. I like geek-ploitation and movies I consider to be in the genre includes Scott Pilgrim Vs the World and Kick-Ass. But this is just a big mess and it isn't even a geek-ploitation movie at all. Nothing in this makes any sense, it's so self-indulgent in direction from Zac Snyder with the concept of the path to feminism and whoever placed the cringe-inducing soundtrack should be fired.  The acting is terrible especially the fact that Carla Gugino has a ridiculous Polish accent. The fact that the geek's fantasy about schoolgirl fetish with Nazi robots, a mental asylum and a strip club all together at once was inadvertently shallow. People, please don't waste your time to defend this movie because it touches on every level of awfulness.

Most pretentious Oscar bait - Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Maybe I should give this movie a chance, but the fact that this boots out The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Drive and other potentials out of the major categories will not only give me very low expectations for the movie, but also gives me something to scream about how bad will the Oscars be.

Saddest event of moviegoing - Audience ask for refund for The Artist because it was a silent film
Seriously Brits. This is why we can't have nice things

And finally... you scrolled down this far for what you have wanted to see in the first place. My most detestable film of 2011 and to be fair, there were some movies that people thought were unfairly (or unfairly for that matter) blasted. But it doesn't matter. These movies were so boorish, bland, boring, blasphemous, whatever word about bullshit I could say, that it's inexplicitly indescribable. They are:

5. The Hangover Part II
4. Battle Los Angeles
3. Sucker Punch
2. The Smurfs

But the movie with the worst features mentioned above along with these categories is....
New Year's Eve is going to be an obvious choice for anyone compiling their worst of. Every aspect, it is incredibly unrealistic, so trashy, that going into this movie containing the title of a certain holiday makes you want to hate the concept of that holiday and in this case, New Year's Eve. If I gave this movie any credit, it will be that its release is well timed. December 31 is really close so it doesn't make sense when a movie called New Year's Eve is out on July 29th.

I didn't hate it because it's a gimmick movie (yet it is). I hate it for thinking that this is going to be any good. Director Garry Marshall and screenwriter Katherine Fugate believes that a certain moviegoer will go and pay $13 to watch well-known celebrities (in this case B-list stars) acting foolish at the time of end of year celebrations because of the end of year celebrations. It's string-thin patchy plotlines has to do something with New Year's Eve and yet I can't even give you an outline because they're all exactly the same. OK. Here are some of them:
  • Ashton Kutcher and Lea Michele get trapped in an elevator. Kutcher is a cynic of New Year's Eve while Michele is a backup singer.
  • Robert De Niro is a patient dying of terminal illness. He's on the verge to death, but would happy to watch the ball drop
  • Michelle Pfteffer and Zac Efron try to solve all New Year's Resolutions since she lost her job and he is only getting them to attend a rave.
  • Sarah Jessica Parker is the over protective mother of Abigail Breslin who refuse to let her go to NYE and meet her school crush
  • Hilary Swanks tries to create the perfect New Year's Eve in New York. Ludacris watches on
  • Jessica Biel is about to give birth, but on one condition. She would win the hospital's NYE's lottery. It's stops there
With these kind of plotlines structured as a poor man's Love Actually or a poorer man's Valentine's Day (which after seeing this movie, I have no interest in seeing what I've had mentioned) there's no way to take interest of these characters and you seriously can't wait for all to end cos you know how it end. They only appear for about five minutes and that's about it. But what really bothers me is how lazy this film is. All they could do is pay a celebrity about $500000 and give them a superficial perspective of what NYE means to them. When I hear that, I think about the people in Africa, the manic homeless guy who usually reside among the park bench and many orphans in an orphanage who would need that celebration to be comfort. These characters have way too much comfort. It's also the fact that this movie is filled with stupid caricatures, shitloads of product placement and the fact that when you set your film up on the famous spots of Manhattan, it's only because that's the one place you could actually think of. 

Plus it also shows that Hollywood is running out of steam in terms of creativity and seeing how no one had made a movie about NYE, they take that too seriously and turn it more into a cash cow. Seriously who would act like that on December 31? All we do is basically get drunk and wait until 12:00 am to see the New Year arrive. And then we get a hangover. Oh and there's also a cameo featuring media midget Ryan Seacrest. It's a movie that features vapidness covered over vapid pop songs and vapid idiocy over layers of shit, that it gets my pick for the Worst Film of 2011.


1 comment:

  1. I agree with all of your categories, even the lion king one. Adam Sandler should leave cinema now, he's had his time and it's definitely over now. andi've actually seen 3/5 of your worst films (hangover, smurfs, sucker punch) and i agree, they all sucked.